So the therapy has been had, the tears have been cried, and the irreconcilable differences have been, well, irreconcilable. Your old marriage is behind you and you are ready to get on with your new life as a single person. Invariably this includes dating, relationships, and possibly re-marriage. All sounds thrilling and hopeful . . . after all, while your previous marriage didn’t “last,” that has not put a damper on your desire for a more fulfilling round two, or at the very least, a fun-filled dating life.
That is all well and good. But if you are the divorced parent of teenagers or young adults, here are some things to consider before you throw yourself, and your teenagers, headlong into your single parent dating lifestyle.
How Much About Your Personal Life Should Your Share with Your Teen?
The answer to this question is quite simply, very little.
If you have been following my Five Layer Method for Building Rapport and Trust with Teenagers, you know that I advocate a “teen first” approach to relationship building with your teen. What does that mean if you are a single parent who is dating? That means that the time you spend with your teenagers or young adult children should be spent focusing on their lives - their school experiences, their aspirations, and perhaps even their budding interest in relationships and dating -- not yours!
I hate to be a party-pooper about this, but your personal life should stay personal, especially if you are newly divorced (less than three years). But why? you may ask. I’m so excited about my new girlfriend/boyfriend! I want my children to meet this wonderful person who has brought so much healing and happiness to MY life!
Okay, that’s very nice for you. But guess what? You are flipping the parent script here and expecting your child to support YOU, your desires, and your happiness, when it is your job to be supporting YOUR teen, their desires, and their happiness. Got it?
Here are a few things to consider about your teen or young adult child and your new significant other: your teen already has a mom/dad. Regardless of what you may think about your former spouse, your teen does not feel the same way about their mom/dad as you do, no matter what they may say to you to the contrary. Most teens still feel a strong allegiance toward both parents, and some will feel conflicted when one or both parents show obvious signs of moving on with their life.
If you choose to push your new love onto your teenagers, expect to get the opposite reaction than the one you are anticipating. Why, you may ask, are my normally well-behaved kids acting so difficult? Because you have just raised their anxiety level. Let’s not forget that they too went through your divorce, but they were in the middle of it, and as such, they have a rockier road to navigate between you and your ex-spouse. And while your loyalty to your ex-spouse has shifted, your child’s has only increased due to thinking they need to prove to both parents that they still love them equally.
Bringing a third person into the equation too soon, another adult whom your teen is expected to start treating like a significant person, because they are significant in your life, places yet another burden on your teen by making them have to mind their P’s and Q’s with your new partner. And some sensitive teens may now feel like they have to care-take yet another adult’s feelings: those of your new partner’s.
On the other hand, when you take into consideration your teen’s perspective on your divorce, your new found single life, your former spouse, and the challenge of navigating their own tumultuous teen years, you can see why you need to press the pause button when it comes to bringing yet another responsibility into their life: the responsibility of having to be polite and welcoming to your new boyfriend or girlfriend.
When and How to Introduce Your Dating Life to Your Teenager?
All of what I have said withstanding, there are times when you may need or want to integrate your personal life and your relationship with your teens. So how do you proceed?
Ideally, a good rule of thumb is to wait until your teens ask to know more about your private life. That’s right. Instead of you approaching your teens with something you want to share with them, “the wonderful person in my life now” and expecting their gleeful response, you ought to, instead, lay back and wait for them to ask you about your personal life. After all, they’re teenagers. They are well clued into the adult world. They will very quickly pick up on the fact that something of significance is going on, or at the very least, that mom or dad is dating. And IF they are interested in knowing more, they will ask. So let your teen set the pace for when to share your personal life with them.
Occasional Exposure and Low Expectations
The key here is occasional exposure. If you are dating someone, your teen only needs to have occasional exposure to that person. Perhaps once a week, while you and your partner are on your way out to dinner, or at the occasional family gathering, such as a wedding, to which you will be bringing your date and your children will also be present. Occasional exposure allows you to have a dating life, but places no undue pressure on your teens to have to “deal with” your new partner beyond a polite hello and small talk. There should be no expectations that your teens form a “relationship” with your partner, unless over time that develops naturally, because unless you are going to marry this person, the relationship might not last more than a few months or years. Thus, because this relationship is most likely temporary in your life (let’s be real here), there is no benefit to expecting your teen to bond with the person you are currently dating.
Holidays and Family Time
While it is a quaint idea to think that you could seamlessly integrate your new love into the holidays, it’s actually a really bad one. Again, unless your relationship is moving toward marriage, there is no advantage to asking your teenagers or young adult children to spend holidays with the person you are dating. Holidays are for family. And the person you are dating is not yet family, and may never be; that person is your lover, equally important to you in another area of your life, but for your teenagers … not so much. And if you are dating someone who does not understand this, find a new person to date. You don’t need anyone competing with your teenagers for your attention, especially around the holidays.
Younger Children vs. Teenagers
You may wonder why I am making a distinction here between teenagers versus young children. While the focus of my coaching practice is on teen-adult communication, hence, why I am directing this article to that demographic, there is also a theoretical reason why different approaches are recommended with teens and young children. There are some particular distinctions between the way young children perceive a parent’s boyfriend or girlfriend and the way a teenager does.
A young child will be more welcoming of another adult in their life, especially if that adult makes efforts to ingratiate themselves to the child, such as playing with them, bringing them gifts, and taking them fun places. The ego-centrism of children makes them think that this new person in mommy or daddy‘s life is there for them and their entertainment, like a new playmate. Hence, there is often less resistance. (That being said, one should still proceed with caution when exposing young children to mommy or daddy’s dating life, as young children are more apt to get attached quickly and, therefore, suffer yet another loss, the loss of mommy/daddy’s new friend, when the relationship breaks up.)
A teenager, on the other hand, knows full well that the relationship between you and your boyfriend or girlfriend as nothing to do with them. And any attempt on your part to pretend otherwise, to try to make your teen see some advantage to their getting to know and be-friend your partner, is going to be met with reluctance, at best, or outright rejection, at worst. And I would highly advise that your partner not bring gifts, give money, or try to “buy” your teen with fun outings or expensive trips. Sure, your teen may like gifts and some extra spending money, but it may not lead to a magical change of heart in how they feel and treat your “significant other.”
The teen years are a particularly fragile time in your child’s life. Teenagers are forming their own understanding of adult relationships, sexuality, commitment, fidelity, and the fluidity of their own self-esteem. For teenagers who have been through the upset of a divorce, the teen years and early adulthood are even more so fraught with ambivalence and insecurity. If you are a divorced parent who is dating, keep the time you spend with your teen sacred. And that means separate from your personal relationships. Doing so will allow you to be fully present for your teen at a time in their life when they need a solid adult mentor to help usher them into the next and longest chapter of their life: adulthood. Doing otherwise by expecting your teen to have to accommodate your dating lifestyle is unfair, insensitive, and potentially detrimental to not only your relationship with your teen, but also to their development into confident, secure young adults.