When you are raising a high-achieving teen, it is important to remember Step Three of the Three Essential Steps to building rapport and trust with your teen: Accept that your teen is becoming an adult. For the most part, high-achieving teens tend to be more emotionally mature than their counterparts. They are highly self-motivated, not needing their mom and dad to help with homework or to even remind them to study. Most high-achieving teens spend countless hours on their schoolwork, playing on a sports team, participating in clubs, acting in school plays and working, and they do it all quite effortlessly.
Naturally parents of high-achieving teens feel pride in their child's accomplishments, and for good reason, because they feel a personal sense of accomplishment as well. This often leads to a desire to share their child's accomplishments with others and to boast about these successes. However, from the teen's perspective, he or she is primarily responsible for this success. Your teen has selective memory when it comes to all the countless hours you put into his or her development over the childhood years. All your teen now remembers are the countless hours that he or she put into preparing for midterms, writing reports, and attending swim team practice this past week – all responsibilities handled without much prompting from you. So while a parent delights in showcasing his teen's accomplishments, the teen, on the other hand, resents such showboating, because according to your teen’s version of reality, he or she is solely responsible for these successes.
In addition, teens do not like being put on display in front of neighbors or relatives; it makes them feel childish, when they are now focused on trying to become adults. This is why what may seem like an innocent invitation to "show Grandma the paper you got an A on in your honors history class" might be met with a rude rebuff from your high-achieving daughter. In turn, Mom and Dad respond defensively, because after all, they were simply trying to share their child's accomplishments with other family members. They're proud of their daughter and want her to feel good about herself. Her rebuff causes them to respond in an equally defensive manner -- "We simply wanted your grandmother to see how well you are doing in school -- is that such a crime?!?" -- and a cycle of resentment builds, as you start to wonder "What has gotten into her lately? Must be teenage hormones." Such thoughts and comments shut down the communication between you and your teen and kill rapport and trust, because they 1. Show a lack of respect for the life stage called "adolescence" and 2. Show a lack of acceptance that your teen is becoming an adult. So how do you support your high-achieving teen in a way that will build rapport and trust between you? I address this very question in my book Teen Talk: Dr. Donna’s Guide to Building Rapport and Trust with Your Teenager, which will be released this spring. Follow me on Facebook and Twitter for updates on the book release.
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